I have 5 G... how come no one matches my vibration?

Whenever we feel stagnant we like to shift the energy around. Some might go for a run or the gym, some Fengsui their homes, I like to try newagey spiritual purges. From new and full moon rituals, burning papers filled with old patterns or witnessing my new intentions floating away into their manifestation through the river, I love all of them, they feel as silly and sacred as my soul desires and I recommend trying some of them even if just for pure amusement.

Rituals are very powerful, we have always gathered around them since the beginning of time, however somewhere along the way we stopped giving them credibility, but why dismiss magic, intention and energy without any real proof that these things aren’t useful? why not embrace the joyful and curious lens and play along and see what happens? I am so glad to see so much shift in our current society, its like we have run out of options, so why the fk not try some magic?

 I used to be so skeptical of all of this, I grew up in a family of doctors and lawyers and scientific language was always inspiration for my poetry. In my family they valued intelligence as power, emotion… not so much. I remember asking my mom when I was 13, “why don’t you hug me? why don’t you tell me you love me?” (Let me say here for her sake reading this that now she won’t leave me alone in the sweetest way, she has opened up tremendously as has become very affectionate) however this example goes to show how little affection was a part of her language also growing up.

I am sure you have some version of this in your family, we all have these patterns we are dealing with right, have you heard these buzz words? “intergenerational trauma” “old patterns” “heavy vibrations” I believe we attract everything, that we even choose our parents, however it feels like some of these patterns we picked up along the way, some inherited form our parents that they inherited from theirs and so on, yet we can release these, that is very much an option, and we can shift how we feel in our day to day life.

I like the idea that in order to become more of our true selves, we don’t have to seek so much but rather allow the pilled on layers to fall off.

sO wItH tHAt LitTle WraNt… the latest energy shifting method I have been playing with is THE ANGER PURGE

 

 

The steps are roughly the following:

Identify everything you have ever been angry at in your entire life and why, then match anger to underlying sadness and where it manifests as hurt and then pain in the body, ask your pain why its there and what you actually wanted in that situation, repeat these sad sentences until you feel the most broken and sad you’ve felt in a while, process the fk our if it, (ex: scream, dance, draw, jump, make music, cry, run, work punch pillows (i love this one) whatever works to really bring up these emotions to the surface) then write out all of this process, flip each negative statement to a positive one, then write an uplifting statement for each positive one and then an affirmation to say to yourself, for each point. After a few days, go back and re-read the negative statements and see if they still trigger you, if they do there needs to be more clearing, if they don’t congratulations you have neutralized it and expanded a bit more into compassion. This method is scientifically proven to re-code your flesh computer brain.

Sounds like a lot? yes, it is a lot, but you can’t afford not to do it. Its a miracle that things have been working our for me for 29 years so far (with a ton of chronic pain and sadness) If I had done this before, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and amplified a lot of joy sooner.

But before you let your old programming dismiss this as “too hard”,  let me tell you, you absolutely do not have to do this alone, there is hope and a great system, I recommend doing this with the help of the Happiness Doctor because while you can do this on your own, if you are going to put so much time into an anger purge, you want to do it the right way. And honestly with all of the directions, the first time I tried to do it alone and..gave up as soon as i felt overwhelmed because I forgot about a very important part, to set up the right support system to keep me going when my old b.s shows up.

I kind of half-attempted it last year but very quickly let my subconscious resistance sabotage me, I told myself it was too much writing or too long (untrue) but really let me tell you what is too much work, keeping this anger underneath everything I was doing everyday. Swimming agains the current every moment, unconsciously, thats a lot of work.

The more “spiritual work” I focus on, the easier everything becomes, I now often spend 8-10 hours working on forgiveness, anger, or alignment, and my computer work or “income making work” often looks like 4-5 hours a day, but the money keeps on increasing steadily, when before I was working 12-16 hours per day ignoring my body’s needs like sleep and sadness and struggling to keep the abundance. We have been taught everything so backwards, everything is energy first, feelings first, then tangible realities, if you are here reading this, chances are you also believe or are starting to question some of this.

(this drawing above represents my grandma. I had many waves of forgiveness with her but a lot was still underneath the surface. I was mostly angry at her for “abandoning me after surgery when i almost died in argentina, because i was “mean” or in a bad mood, ehem.. suicidal, not thinking straight, etc” long story, but i ended up with a 24 hour nurse for months instead of my family caring for me, they simply stoped visiting me after i was too “mean” to them. I now understand that this event was too hard for them, (from my lens anyway) and that they dealt with it as best as they could, and yes I was probably mean and snappy and thats the best I could do while being so depressed and brain fogged on a ton of meds. But underneath this anger, I was really sad, sad that they were not strong enough to be there through it with me, sad that i wasn’t clear headed enough to be nicer, sad that we had lost our connection over a hard moment in life, sad that i felt alone in my own home country after moving there to be closer to them. By drawing her, and my dad, and every member of my family I was angry and sad at, I was able to look further into their pain, I drew her scars and felt how hard her life has been also, what she has attracted and her disappointments. I was able to understand a bit more about how she operates and boundaries she needs to set to stay grounded, and i felt a lot of compassion for the pain and guilt she must have felt through all of this ordeal and perhaps not being able to be there how she wanted also, who knows. All I know is that drawing this helped me heal and forgive in a way that (as Dr. Coget explained) my right brain could process better than my left brain as right brain could access direct emotion much deeper and efficiently than left brain. 

This was one of the best lessons out of this whole experiment

After 4 years of diligently and constantly working on forgiveness, after 2 years of silence and distance from my family and 2 more years of slowly re-building trust and communication, I had forgiven them many times at many layers. I wrote 2 books with chapters about this life changing experience, i painted horrifying massive paintings while still on crutches, had many face time and phone call hang outs and told them I loved them hundreds of times, yet when I dove back into my emotions, almost 5 years later, I still found trapped triggers and sensations in my muscles and bones, a lot resurfaced, and these layers need to all be cleared for us to really fully move on into compassion and freedom, freedom of chronic pain, freedom of mind, heart and soul. Its easy to feel “good enough” after the initial anger fades, its easy enough to rationalize (left brain) and move on with our lives, however stagnant sadness and anger underneath the surface is what causes dis-ease in the body, often unconsciously, we want to be free of this too. 

 

 

So let's continue with one of the saddest pictures ever shall we, we are here to heal this stuff after all

Yes, those are phallic shapes, lingams, or penises in the background, this is a cathartic drawing about abuse.

1 in 3 women are sexually abused, it is so mind-blowing to me, and I am done feeling shame or embarrassed about this, but i did for most of my life. Actually, before I felt shame and wanted to hide it, for the majority of my life, I had no awareness that I had been sexually abused. Here is how this often works…

I pride myself on being a strong and independent woman, I have backpacked all over the world alone, hitched-hiked in Guatemala (with some of the biggest femicide rates in the world) and always felt in control and safe.

The abuse I have experience happened subconsciously first, and then it happened again when I was out of body, and triggered by early childhood abuse that I had no memories of.

Another one of the most valuable healings I have gotten out of this anger purge and navigating the soup of my subconscious, is understanding that I could have continued on living and attracting these types of abuse, without even storing memories of this happening. This is frikking absurdity, and so many of us live this way. The fact that early on abuse or any type of abuse really, leads to us checking out of body and literally having amnesia about the next abuse situation is pure insanity, and I am baffled that after reading so much on this topic and being around the healing arts community for a decade, i only truly understood this in the practice of coming back into my body and retrieving memories with the help of Dr. Coget and through this automatic drawing technique.

I knew that “we go out of body when we feel in danger” and I knew how to recognize when this happened to some extent, I felt vacant, zombie, felt nothing, my eyes lost their shine, I felt like a shell of a human. What I was unaware of, is that in extreme moments of fear, my soul would leave my body and things could happen to my body that I would wake up with no memory of. Just as if I had been rufied.

I remember attracting a few situations of sexual abuse in the past 5 years. After my life changing event and re-learning how to walk,

I attracted a PT professional that was unprofessional, he abused his power and seduced me in a moment of weakness, literally touched my private parts while holding me up (since I was still on crutches) and I will spare you the rest of the details. At that time I was desperate for male support and honestly love and support in any way, I was alone, in my home country after a decade of not having lived there, had few resources or friends, my family and I were not on speaking terms (my mom flew in to help me for the first 10 days and then had to go back to work) and I was taking taxis alone to PT as soon as I could move, anyway, this was an example of abuse that I was not out of body for. I half-consciously decided to engage in this behavior, and even felt empowered by it somehow, (the abuse dilema of thinking you are in power but really you are recreating the same abuse patterns) Of course, a year later, I was disgusted with myself, then felt compassion for myself, then anger at this man, now forgiveness, and the healing continues.

Some of the other memories that i have retrieved recently, where i had been abused subconsciously, were while backpacking in bolivia, a “friend” who took me in (and lived with his family) a very kind musician who seemed very nice, who i knew through mutual friends, his grandma cooked for me, his parents loved me, it seemed so wholesome. I left that house a week later feeling broken and angry but not knowing why, pretty much after over reacting (i thought) to a comment this person made, however now realizing he actually sexually abused me and I had no memory of it.

I share these not so that you will feel bad or sorry for me or any of that, I honestly am glad i have liucidity now and can identify process and heal all of the abuse I have attracted in my life.

For the first time now I am able to separate sensuality from sexuality, friendship from love, and also feel comfortable allowing some of these lines to blur while actually remaining in control, in my body and respecting myself, my boundaries and listening to the people i am in connection with.

For this to happen, i had to deep dive into my trauma though, and be willing to look at all these shadow monsters right in their ugly fkn face. Then they burst into molecules and turn into pure light. It is possible.

This is how I felt for most of my life, depressed and powerless, now I am depression free.

This picture above with the cloud over head represents the abuse i had been holding onto as a secret to my own awareness. The abuse picture in the beginning of this section with the weird phallic shapes and the little bungalow house, represents the most recent abuse situation I put myself in with my landlord (did not get to be sexual abuse thankfully in the way we think of it, and I was able to stand up for myself, but only after he crossed some lines I will explain if useful, feel free to skip around to other sections, there are no rules, this is written from my heart to yours in hopes it helps.) This “more aware” version of abuse situation manifested as follows: This person was very nice to me and respectful, he rented me his house and we became friends, we shared food and talked about art, he met my partner, I met some of his family in passing, he then begun hitting on me, saying he liked me a lot, and trying to hug me a little too long, or hold onto my hands or say inappropriate things like “I can be your secret boyfriend, oh just kidding” Of course, when he said the latter I messaged him and told him I felt uncomfortable with him hitting on me and this needed to stop immediately. He replied he was just joking and I explained to him that with a past of sexual abuse this was not a joke to me and that even if it was a joke in any way that made me feel uncomfortable, friends don’t make friends feel this way and he needs to respect this. He replied in understanding and has been very distant since them which I appreciate. It made me angry to be in this situation one more time, and then sad to had trusted a person and started a friendship that ended so quickly, so I also drew him and found compassion and gratitude for life giving me this one more opportunity to practice standing up for myself.

Being completely honest, there was a day I now remember as I type this, (this is embarrassing but i embrace all of my emotions to heal them, I also feel compassion for myself for not knowing any better for flying out of body under fear or trauma) where I was in a lot of physical pain, and he had come over to replace my water tank, and somehow he ended up giving me a foot massage for about a min until I came to my senses and quickly moved away (it was as if I blacked out for a minute and ended up complying to this dude’s request because I was in literal blinding pain) this is important to learn about ourselves. When do our boundaries and lucidity shift? what brings us out of our aware or sharp state? how do we make sure we are always aware of ourselves and our surroundings?

I feel so proud of myself for standing up for myself, for staying in this house and stating my boundaries (I now only deal with his brother for house things for the most part and have made it clear that they both need to respect me). At a different time I would have let the abuse continue subconsciously and gotten more and more sad, and I would have eventually moved out confused and powerless. Now I get to stay in my little dream home I found, and practice all of these new systems to respect and honor myself while designing the life of my dreams with integrity. Sounds cheesy but its true. 

This is what it felt like to not be heard or seen, to be repeatedly ignored growing up and be told that I was unintelligent and weak - Feeling so grateful to have put this on paper and literally stripped this part of my persona out of me.

My parents raised me as best as they could, they did a lot right, they were also kids when they had my brother and I, and god knows how my own kids would turn out if I had children in a similar situation. This drawing represents how I NOW know I felt growing up then. 

I have few memories from childhood, as many of us repress most of the weird moments. I remember having a pretty normal childhood, playing in the dirt, living in a small town in the north of argentina, ups and downs, lots of family hang outs, my parents divorce at nine, but mostly happy normal things, even the really tough times, losing all of our money our house, our family as we knew it, my superhero single mom had a lot of ways to disguise the truth and make scarcity into a game. She would say “kids you have been very good so this week we eat ice cream for dinner every night!” and we would love it right, however now I find out thats the cheapest food she could afford to buy for us sometimes (something like 3$ for a kilo) and still through my foggy kid and teen memories that I see through rose colored glasses, if I really look in I can feel the tsunami of pain I was holding.

When it comes to feeling ignored and not heard, I think  it takes many different shapes, from the outside maybe it looked like my  parents cared for me a normal amount, however often if our parents are ignoring their own feelings and not feeling heard themselves, even if they are physically there in the room, they might not be receiving the things we say or giving us the things we need, (as often we are unable to do this also for others) this is not a faults game, its just a new understanding I feel makes sense for my past. 

Now, I get to consciously release all of this, and it feels so good. I know these drawings are very sad looking (wait until you see the ones from my physical pain, terrifying, makes these seem like fluffy bunnies in comparison, I am currently drawing what it feels like to walk around with metal in my hip etc) How is it possible that in almost 5 years, and being a painter a visual artist, I only made 3 paintings of this stuff? As soon as I was able to move into language, my old programming wanted to hide all of this pain deep in my subconscious. So yes I wrote poetry and books and this helped a lot, but I still had a ton of PTSD nightmares and day flashbacks and it was hard to live my day to day.

This is why I took this anger purge more seriously, I have tried everything to move on, to get rid of some of this PTSD, but nothing works as well as looking at your fear in the face and telling it to get out of your life forever (after processing it and crying it out and all that jazz).

 

This is my true alien form I am pretty sure

I drew (lefto to right) my natural form as a pleiadian, or some type of blue being that I feel ive lived as for a long time, also this represents some of my ancestor protectors in their pure form without judgement.

The middle photo represents how I feel that most of my family sees me (they see me as an alien with intense black tar emotion, or as they say “holding so much anger in your heart” and “concerned about my dark art and poetry”) I then explain feeling anger to process and release is a healthy thing. They also tell me not to cry, and I explain that crying is also a good and healing thing. These comments used to make me feel angry and unseen, however now I feel more compassion and understanding for the time in space they grew up in with their weird house rules and how their realities have formed that are so different than mine. I understand when they say things like “you are so young and pretty don’t cry” what they might want to say instead is “it makes me sad when you cry, I want to see you happy, you have so much good in your life” but not all of us know how to communicate our own emotion the same ways, I am still learning, and for all the compassion I feel I am expanding into, I feel there is so much more to learn that I am at the tip of the iceberg.

The final drawing on the right, is how I feel most of the time, I love a lot and intensely, I feel auras and energy and things from all directions and dimensions, and I am learning to contain my own energy as well as set energetic boundaries when I interact with others.

I used to absorb everything everyone else was feeling – still managing this better now – I realized a lot of my depression was sadness for mother nature and the world, I honestly feel like many empaths have waves of -seemingly-out-of-nowhere intense deep sadness that comes from the collective out of alignment with nature.

This picture up next represents how I felt working in the corporate world.

I love setting an intention or a theme and letting my hands reveal something about my subconscious.

I would have never consciously drawn a sad world when I thought of me working in a corporate office selling software in Boston Massachusetts, there are endless things I could think of that I would draw instead that made so much more sense. I worked in a high rise in the middle of fancy mid-town back-bay, I would think of drawing some epic architecture and money or something like that. But that is my rational brain thinking too much, my right brain knew, and my heart knew, that at the core, I felt sad and our of alignment with the planet. I was advocating for things I did not belive in, a lifestyle of chassing the bigger paycheck, and drinking 3 times a week because that was the only way to bond with co-workers I had nothing in common with, and being too caught up on the lifestyle/depression to care about the products I was consuming and how these affected my environment and my body.

Quitting my job and backpacking across the Americas was the best business decision I could have made at that time. Thats when I started painting murals for a living, and everything started to align.

Another big realization I got from this anger purge was how to get back in touch with the the raw nature of my art. After focusing on building an art career, especially the last 3 years building my brand, I still painted with a lot of soul but always holding back a bit, always making sure it was “good enough” “good technique” “perfect balance” or “marketable” this project allowed me to discard all of those, and focus solely on how it feels and how it heals to create for the sole purpose of creating whatever needs to emerge and move through.

The wild thing is that once again, I was unaware that “I was holding back” in my art, for all I knew everything I’ve painted so far has a lot of emotion and love behind it. Only now, that I have created over 30 drawings without any alternative motive other than to heal, I can feel and see the difference between tapping into inspiration from steering my emotions into art, vs inspiration catching me when I am overwhelmed with emotions.

I feel that this is a great small distinction and useful tool to have as an artists, we  read about it in many different books and hear about it in many ways, “tap into your emotion to create, artists create from their pain, etc” however when it comes to putting this in practice, it gets a bit more tricky.

We are always experiencing emotions, there is an unlimited well of inspiration to channel into our creativity if we learn how to listen, and if we are willing to see the truth that comes through. 

 

 

The drawings above are of my brother (left) and my father (right)

It was very interesting to draw the men in my family (many other uncles and representations of men in general were drawn also)

The general understanding was more compassion for where everyone is in their unique journey, (as well as extending that compassion to myself) free of disapointments or expectations and amplifying more love and support instead.

Sometimes the love and support for oneself means choosing not to share dreams or goals with people who tend to shut them down because of their own beliefs. Sometimes it means learning to have somewhat of a “superficial” conversation about the weather or whatever and be able to read between the lines and understand the greater message of wanting to connect but needing to stay on the surface because deeper feelings are still tough to deal with.

We all process at different times and the above mentioned was very hard for me for years. I was always the type of person to say let’s dive right into the middle or not talk at all. I am still a bit of an extreme person and learning to see more grey versus black or white, well focusing on seeing the whole rainbow really. 

Speaking of rainbows!

This is my free-flow representation of a Frida Morphs Gandhi with a mountain top head and a bunch of possitive and uplifting affirmations above them.

I loved using 3 different notebooks through this experience, i felt like i was back in school in the best of ways. one notebook to take notes, another 2 sketchbooks to draw and paint. I actually take a ton of notes, journal often and find myself feeling more and more like a student of my own inner world the more I get in touch with these self-healing practices and rituals.

After 22 pages of writing, over 30 drawings, making music for several hours, crying at random hours of the day and night, spending some good hours on the phone with support setups, and writing this pretty little blog, it seems like a lot, but honestly a week of my life to clear years of pent up anger feels totally worth it.

All of these explorations so far have reduced and practically eliminated my depression (with the exception of momentary or event-specific short depression cycles. 

Are amplifying my joy and laughter, my sense of hope, the inner peace I feel, my capacity to love unconditionally, and so much more that I will write more about in the next post because this one is long enough. 

Most importantly I am seeing again and again, how the only way to really let go of all the heavy stuff keeping us from experiencing joy is to go through it hardcore. This ongoing realization, along with the right support systems, and sustainable improvements in every area of my life, give me the strength and curiosity to want to keep on navigating the weirdest places in my subconscious, all the way through, to remember once again, we are light.

Gracias por leer, thank you for reading. I have turned off comments in these blogs because of the robo-spams but id love to hear from you, anything and everything you have to say, feel free to email or comment in any of my social platforms I reply to every comment. 

Saludos,

Nanu

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